​Focus on the Other Person…not Yourself: Part 1

 
Focus on the grieving person…not yourself. You might ask, “Why would you mention this to me, Danny? I always try to help when a person is going through a time of grief. I do focus on my hurting fellow human being…I’m not focusing on myself.”
 
At first glance it might appear that I’m off base and not really tracking by elaborating on this lesson learned. However, please allow me to share how I gained this experiential wisdom along my journey.
 
Before 14 December 1997, I was more focused on myself than a hurting friend or loved one. I wasn’t callous or uncaring…I just had never experienced raw pain and grief before and did not understand how crippling and devastating grief can be. I did understand what my friend was going through. (Once you’ve experienced deep pain and grief, you’re never the same. And you can have empathy—not just sympathy— toward others who are hurting.)
 
Also, I was busy and wasn’t sure if I had time to help. I didn’t know how to help someone going through deep loss. I didn’t know what to say to the hurting individual. I knew that I wanted to help—another human being was hurting. But didn’t know how to help since I thought you needed to be a minister or a psychologist or to have graduated from seminary.
 
So let me take these items, one at a time. First, in my busyness, I had boxes to check to feel good about myself—about how much I had accomplished. When my friend was dealing with the deep loss of a loved one’s death, it did not come at a convenient time for me. (As an aside, I’ve heard the statement “Death does not come at a convenient time for those who are still living.”) Thus, I was focused on my “To do” list rather than focusing on my fellow human being who was hurting.
 
There is a balance between accomplishing tasks and building/nurturing relationships. I can’t sit around all day building relationships over a cup of coffee or sharing a meal. I must get tasks completed. However, I must not allow my task list to outweigh helping another person who is hurting.
 
Plus, I must have margins in my life to be able to shift and help someone going through a time in the desert of life. If I’m constantly racing around, multi-tasking I will not have time to help someone in need. Or, if I refuse to have margins in my schedule, I must be willing to cancel a full schedule to make time to help my hurting friend/loved one.
 
To be continued.

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