​Don’t Just Charge In

 
The caveat with this lesson learned is that I’m going from my own experience and recognize that I’m only one data point. Thus, I don’t know if this would apply to others going through a tough time.
 
When my wife and son and unborn baby died on 14 December 1997, in the aftermath of the accident, I had several unknown people contact me with their stories of loss.
 
Perhaps, if they had contacted me after the initial time of grief and raw pain, I might have been more receptive. As it was, it was all I could do to be gracious and not react in anger. I was not ready to hear their stories. I was not ready to read their writings or books they recommended. I needed time to be alone and grieve. I didn’t feel like I had the bandwidth to encounter these strangers and read the books they gave me.
 
Now fast forward to the mid-2000’s. A retired Marine friend of mine (let’s call him “Zeb”…not his real name) contacted me about an active duty Marine friend of his (let’s call this other man “Adam”…not his real name) who had experienced almost the same thing as I did. Adam watched his wife and child die in a wreck. (Adam and I did not know each other.)
 
Zeb wanted me to call Adam to help him. I remembered my own experience in late December 1997 and told Zeb that I thought it would be better if he let Adam know that I was available to talk. Adam did not accept the offer made multiple times by Zeb.
 
I believe that if I had called Adam, it would have done more harm than good.
 
I’ve thought about this situation many times since it took place and, now with more life experience and hopefully having gained more wisdom, I’ve realized that I should have recommended to Zeb, to make the offer to Adam weeks after the accident. But perhaps that’s still wrong.
 
All this is to say, once you have experienced deep loss and have worked through the grieving process and you are on the other side of the grieving process, be cautious about charging in like the cavalry thinking you’ll save the day for someone else who has just experienced a loss. It may not help them.
 
First and foremost, seek God and ask Him if He wants you to go talk to the hurting person. At least consider waiting until the hurting person has worked through his/her initial grief before you share your story of pain and loss and grief.
 
As mentioned in an earlier blog post, just give the gift of your presence during the initial grief and just listen. Share your insights and lessons learned later—perhaps when asked by the hurting person.

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