​Are You Too Busy to Provide True Comfort?

 
Continuing with another lesson learned about tough times in life. I’ve seen it twice now with people trying to comfort me. And I was likely the same way before I experienced deep loss multiple times along my journey.
 
It is most commendable that people want to comfort others going though tough times. And for that thought/intention, I’m grateful. On the other hand, I’ve seen that so often people are busy when they try to come alongside a hurting person. For death never comes at a “convenient” time for those left behind as well as those in the circles of relationships of those left behind.
 
Here is what I’ve seen as typical from others coming alongside me. The individual will call, email, text, etc. and say words like the following:
“Danny, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You’re a strong man and you’ll get through this. Here is one of my favorite verses. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”
 
Then I never heard from them again.
 
I was grateful that the person acknowledged the tough time I was going through. What I found annoying and even angering were the words “You’re a strong man.” At that point in time I did not feel like a strong man—nor was I a strong man. In fact I was feeling as weak as could be. So just saying some cool catch phrase was more harmful than just ending after “Danny, I’m sorry for what you’re going through.”
 
Then the words “You’ll get through this” were most annoying and angering. Had the person saying that phrase suddenly become all-knowing like God? Did they knew that I would get through it? With grief and deep loss, I was just trying to get through a minute or an hour or a day at a time. I could not even think about months from now. Again, don’t just say something that sounds cool because you don’t know what else to say or you’ve heard others say that phrase.
 
Twice in my times in the desert, I have wrestled with the following concept: was I going to keep trusting God through this and in the aftermath. The raw pain and anguish were overwhelming. Each time as I processed through my grief, I recognized that God was my only recourse. There was no proverbial “Door #2” or “Door #3” options that would truly help me. But it took me time to get there. Thus, in the initial raw grief, when people threw out their favorite verse in their “drive-by-comforting-Danny,” I didn’t want to hear it.
 
Therefore, dumping-off a favorite Bible verse may not provide the comfort you’re intending for the hurting person. Consider circling back in the days, weeks, months in the future and then provide that verse that has comforted you.
 
And to make matters seemingly worse, not hearing from the individual again made me feel abandoned. Why didn’t he/she check on me two weeks later? Or a month later?
 
Thus, I realized that in succumbing to busyness in their lives, many people are proverbial “box checkers.” They contacted me, said their pat phrases, shared a Scripture, and then swooped out. They checked the box that they had comforted Danny White. So he’s now good to go.
 
Checking that box made them feel good, but did not do the same for me. Their words caused hurt and anger.
 
I’ll never forget the few people who checked on me two weeks after the funeral, a month later, then again in two months, and even up to a year later. In fact two of my friends wrote on their calendars, the deaths of my two family members and then contacted me every year on that date to see how I was doing.
 
And that has meant so much to me. They let me know that they remembered and that I hadn’t been forgotten about by every other human being.
 
So are you too busy to provide comfort in multiple touch points by checking in on the grieving person in the days, weeks, and months after his/her deep loss?
I hope not—for when you’re in his/her shoes, you’ll likely wish someone would do the same for you.

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